My Testimony

Okay, for the longest time, God has put it on my heart to give my testimony. I have procrastinated and procrastinated about it because I truly felt like my testimony was no big deal. I mean, I am in my late 30s and I have four children and nothing else to show for my life. But, for my church's newsletter I was the member of the church everyone got to know in October and my testimony will be the one they read in November. Here it is:

::::Journey of a Fallen Christian:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Fallen, as defined in the Webster's New World Dictionary-Third Collegiate Edition, means having lost status or moral reputation; degraded. The verb to fall, according to Merriam-Webster's online Dictionary, has a fifth meaning of "to commit an immoral act; especially to lose one's chastity."

Ouch! Degraded and unchaste. The truth hurts. Let me start at the beginning. As you may recall, I introduced myself in the October newsletter. I am the second eldest daughter of Dr. Floyd and Mary Banks. My father is African American, of mixed racial ancestry, and my mother is Chinese. I was reared in Galveston TX, starting with the first grade. Our household was atheist. My father believed that religion was a means or tool of the oppressors to keep the oppressed in chains. "The working class will continue to accept deplorable conditions as long as they believe they will receive their just rewards in heaven." So, I adopted that ideology and rebuffed all attempts of family and friends that wanted me to "stop being a heathen."

For all my life, I have always felt the odd one out. Not really the Mariah Carey "tragic mulatto," but always feeling I didn't quite fit in. I was always the "Oreo" or "banana." (If you are black or Asian, you know what I am talking about.)In the fourth grade, two detrimental events happened that really cemented this feeling of being an outcast.

First, my parents divorced. That they divorced was detrimental for two reasons. The first being the usual concerns of a child facing divorce and the second being it took me away from church. See, every summer and winter holiday from school, we would go "home" to California and my mother would bow to the pressure that we attend church. All my aunts, uncles, cousins, extended family attended, and it was jokingly called the church the Bankses, being my grandparents, built. I really loved going to that church, because I was surrounded by people who loved and I got to sing in the choir! Additionally, attending made me curious about God.

Second, I was followed home by car. A neighborhood lady, whose garden I always admired and would chat with on the way home from school, noticed it and gave me a ride home. I told my mom about it and she proceeded to interrogate me about "what I did" to attract such attention. From then on, I have carried this stigma of shame, feeling ugly, dirty. That, somehow and someway, there was like a sign on me that said here is a nasty girl.So, I internalized all of that, and I felt fat and ugly and worthless. When my first boyfriend dumped me because I wouldn't "put out," I felt that the only way I, fat and ugly me, could have a boyfriend was to be sexually active. In high school, my outlet was dance and sex. I had an abortion during the winter break of my junior year and senior year made officer of my drill team. Once I graduated and entered the freshman class at University of Houston-University Park, I was nothing nice.

Predictably, my grade point average was less than stellar and I returned to Galveston to take some courses at Galveston College where I met Adrienne and Karina's father. There were so many red flags at the beginning, but I was hell-bent on self destruction. As the relationship became more and more abusive, I didn't know how to handle it , how to end it, and presented this facade that we were so in love and happy. I just grinned and bared the knowledge that eventually he would kill me. I accepted all the emotional and physical abuse because I felt it was what I deserved. Throughout that relationship, looking back, there were many times God sent miracles into my life, but I didn't acknowledge them as such. I thought, Who am I to receive miracles?

One miracle (because they are too numerous to share them all) truly saved my life: After a crazy day, which was later diagnosed as a nervous breakdown, I called my best friend Ricky and told him I was on my way to his place because I couldn't go home. It's like after 10 p.m. and what I think was the voice of an angel says "Don't go home," so I listened to it and called Ricky. En route, I get into an accident that should have killed me, according to the EMS technicians and the police on the scene. Before the accident, that same angel's voice said that I was going to have the accident, but not to worry because I was in God's hands, so I calmly told Ricky that I was going to have an accident and I dropped my cell. I felt wrapped in a loving hug and I felt so calm and at peace. I never experienced it before--to feel that loved. At the ER, the nurse asks me if I am in an abusive relationship first before questions about the accident. Of course, I was in denial about it and rebuffed his attempts to get me to admit it, but eventually, I did. It's like that male nurse was an angel in disguise, because if he hadn't asked about the abuse, I probably would still be in that relationship or dead.

After we divorced, I moved back to Galveston and in with my mother. When she died in November 1999, I felt hopeless and helpless. I felt overwhelmed at what I perceived were my responsibilities. Because my mother and I didn't have the typical, chummy relationship and because of things she did that made me feel unloved and unwanted by her, I felt I had to single-handedly pay off her mortgage and car note, etc., to make up for being such a horrible daughter. Shortly thereafter I met Charlize and Lourdes' father, who also had a lot of red flags that I chose to ignore because I felt that I was unworthy of love and respect.

It ended badly and caused me major financial woes; I was facing eviction, and for the first time I actually entertained the thought of taking my life. Leading to the second miracle that I'll share: I consumed two whole bottles of prescribed sleeping pills and passed out. Two hours later, I awoke, and had a conversation with God. Throughout my life, He has spoken to me, but I would always dismiss it as craziness or malarkey, never believing it was God. This time I listened to what He had to say. He told me that He loved me, that He was there for me, among other things. So I decided to call on my best friend Ricky and ask could I live with him until I get myself together. Obviously, he said yes.

I guess you could say that having Ricky for my best friend is a miracle. Throughout our friendship, which began in high school, he would always let me know that though he was my friend, I had a greater friend in Jesus. We've seen each other through failed relationships, death of parents, personal crises; you name it, we are Whitney and CeCe singing "Count on Me."

Now that I have accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior, I feel as though a weight has been lifted off of my chest. The challenge I face is overcoming my old mindset that says because of x, y, and z, I can't be a Christian.

The fallen, I believe, are who Jesus wants most to draw to His father, God. When you accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior, you are washed clean. Scripture tells us that we are given those years anew. Is it not a blessing to be given those years of sin to live again in praise of God? So, that brings me to the final, and most important, definition of "to fall" from Merriam-Webster's online thesaurus: to submit, to succumb, to surrender. As Christians, we must submit to the will of Christ; submit to the doctrines of the scripture. We must succumb to the yoke of Christ, that we can enter the mind of Christ and walk along side Him, step by step. We must surrender those things of the world that prevent us from cleaving to God, that prevent us from having our walk in faith, that prevent us from knowing that God promises us an abundant life here on Earth. And, I want to thank you, my church family, for being here to love and support me. It really has made all the difference to me and played a major part of why I joined Community Gospel, even though, as Joe said, I am one of those S people. Again, thank you to Karina's secret gifter and the couple who passed that envelope-it really touched me that you all would reach out to me and my family.

So, though I may not be perfect, fallen Christian I may be, I can walk with my head held high, filled with the knowledge that "faith cometh by hearing the word of God." Romans 10:17 "I know that, whatsoever God doeth, it shall be for ever: nothing can be put to it, nor any thing taken from it: and God doeth it, that men should fear before him." Ecclesiastes 3:14 "That whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have eternal life." John 3:15 "Grace be unto you, and peace, from God our Father, and from the Lord Jesus Christ. I thank my God always on your behalf, for the grace of God which is given you by Jesus Christ; That in every thing ye are enriched by him, in all utterance, and in all knowledge..." 1Corinthians 1:3-5

Thank you for your comments. Have a blessed day! Please come again!